ooops it got a bit personal...

I went to Ruby's last night, for a "battle of the unsigned bands" it was woeful, all the bands sounded like creed, there was a guy who sang like his mouth was full of socks, filled with marbles, we went to see our friend's, friend's band Lion's Light, they are really good, just a keyboard player and a drummer both with microphones, they're like the Silver Apples and Caribou with some more something-or-other, I like them, and there was never any doubt that they would win. My little brother {who is seventeen and never got asked for his ID} said that Noah is an "organic drummachine", that's pretty accurate..


But then I saw somebody from my past...
He was standing at the bar, I wouldn't have spotted him, but he is rediculously tall. His name is John Tucker, but I was always told to pronounce it Jawn, he's a nice guy; it's nothing personal, but he brought back some terrible memories...
You see, he's a friend of my ex-boyfriend, more than a friend really, Adam idolises him and wants to have homosexual sex with him probably...
Seeing him got me thinking about how much time and effort I wasted on someone who never appreciated it and will never realise...
But I can live with that...
What I really can't believe is how I stayed with him for so long...
There aren't many people that know this, because I think if the roles were reversed I wouldn't want him telling people intimate secrets about me, but it's not really intimate, quite the opposite...
I spent two years with a boy who wouldn't have sex with me...
Without going into detail, there was no religious or moral reasoning behind it, he just wouldn't...
I spent two years as an emotional casualty. Spending two years with someone who wont fuck you doesn't do wonders for your self esteem... Now I'm a realist, I know I'm not very pretty, I'm not wicked fun to be around, but I've seen some absolute dogs who, you know, are fairly active in that sense; I mean really, really, ugly girls with completely rubbish personalities...
So you can imagine how being in a situation like that could have effected me...
Yep, that's right, completely scarred and fucked in the head...
Towards the end of our relationship he started going to some girl's house after work to smoke bongs... I'm pretty sure they had sex, but I didn't care enough to find out.
The final nail in the coffin was when I fell in love with somebody else...

The way we broke up is kind of funny; I moved out, with some people I hardly knew, our new house didn't have a phone connected so I didn't see or speak to him for nearly three weeks, I invited him around to tell him, but I got so drunk I just started to cry... One of the girls I moved in with insisted on playing my Morrissey cd, because the song Suedhead reminded her of a boy she had a crush on...
Adam was an idiot, but he did know what I was going to tell him{he must have, he was asking me, "do you want to break up?" and I was crying too hard to talk.
He said "Are you sick of me?"
And Morrissey from the cd player in the kitchen sings;
"I'm so very sickened... I am so sickened now" said it all for me...
I'll always love that song, it means so many things to me...

He's going out with one of his little sister's friends now, I just hope he doesn't fuck her up too, or do I?
I hope that one sunny day he realises that he likes boys...

First blood is really an awesome movie, I saw it for the first time on Saturday night {yeah, I party pretty hard} and I loved the song over the end credits; It's a long road...and each step is the first..., profound. I need to get it. I bought the video from my work for two dollars fifty on Tuesday. I'm supposed to be in today, but I've got shit to do, and I really couldn't face it.
I suppose I don't take it seriously, 'cause it's not a real job. If they were paying me I'd go; feeling like crap and looking like shit and I wouldn't hate it anywhere near as much.
I'd better put some daytime clothes on and psych myself up to leave the house.

Sountrack to this post: Manitoba- Up in flames